Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
