I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
