I cut my penus on the lid.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
