I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
be right there i have to get my cape
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
And then he peed in my hair
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