apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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