stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
