I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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