I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
