btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
