Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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