This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
