tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
