the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
