Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
