I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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