just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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