and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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