I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
