how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
