I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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