Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
