You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
