this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
