Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
