i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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