turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
