I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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