i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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