I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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