i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
