I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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