Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
