She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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