Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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