I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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