I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Is it penis luge time yet?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
