It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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