my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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