Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
