I wanna bring you to show and tell
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
