Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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