If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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