I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
