Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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