There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
