Don't you send me to vm
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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