can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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