I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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