Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
