I just threw up on my dentist
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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