Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
