she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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