I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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