totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
