I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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