What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
