fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I touched a dick in church today
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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