Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
