i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
